Into the Depth

December 25 - 29, 2010 - Days 3, 4, 5, and 6

O.k., O.k I know. How can I group Christmas Day with the other days. It did start out good. I did get to spend time with my husband and girls opening presents, but this was the beginning of chemo and also when fear crept in. I had thoughts of what would happen if I died. My sister told me there were lots of Angels around to support me through this, but at this time, I couldn't feel them. I was scared!!!! I wanted to watch my girls grow up and live their lives. I was afraid of what this would do to Shylee's college goal of becoming a doctor. It would probably knock her off track. And Baylie....she was too young. She still needed her mother.  Jason and I were supposed to grow old together. When we retired we were going to move to the Caribbean. This sounds stupid, but I didn't want to think of him marrying someone else. He was the love of my life and he was mine. I remember lying on the puny hopital bed and crying together.

I couldn't tell you what the turning point was through all this, maybe it was when the priest from St. Ambrose came up and took my confession, gave me communion, and gave me an annointing for the sick.  His prayers for me were such that I felt that the Lord had more for me to do. His final words for me were "I will see you in Heaven"  Funny, but these words helped me not to be afraid of dying anymore.

Sometime after this I resolved that everything was going to work out and be all right. I was going to make it through this and the feeling came over me that this was true. So I approached the chemo with the resolve that it was just a step I needed to take to get well and go home.